Even after my death my parents still have power over me. Q.Q

I was sitting in my room reading a book. It still feels weird. Not having to worry that my parents might catch me not doing homework. I'm half expecting them to barge in and punishing me for being away for so long. And not being in my own body. Or something, I don't know.
Instead Alicia walked in.


Alicia:"Got some time to talk?"
Me:"Oh.. sure." I put down my book.
Alicia:"I read your post. I think we both know you're not ready to get up close and fight proxies."
Me:" I'm sorry.. I-"
Alicia:"No, its not your fault. You're the only one without any powers or shit. You're also new to this all. So its normal that you'd freak out. Hell, I was the same when EAT first started training me. I got over it quickly. But you're not me and it will take a while before you get used to this."
Me:"So you want me to stay behind?.. I'm not sure I want to be alone for so long.. "
Alicia:" No, you're coming with us. But you're staying behind us and using those rifle skills of yours to cover us. And we'll try to make sure the proxies don't come too close to you."
Me:"Oh.."
Alicia:"Whats wrong?" She probably caught my Oh-no-please-don't-make-me-kill-someone-again expression. Not even sure thats a real expression a human face can make..
Me:"I don't know if I can kill.."
Alicia:" You already did though." She raised her eyebrow.
Me:"That's the problem.."
Alicia:"Oh yeah, ..you mentioned that in your post too."
Me:"Yeah.. I just can't get that moment out of my head. They were proxies but they were still people. And now we're going to do the same again? How many will we kill this time? Aren't we supposed to be the good guys?"
Alicia:".. That's the problem, there are no good guys. We're all just trying to survive. Our goal is to Kill the Fears. Unfortunately that means we have to go through their servants first. We can't just ask the proxies to let us have their information about Slendy."
Me:"Yeah, that wouldn't work. But they're still people. They have families! I can't do it, I can't kill another human being again. I just.."


Apparently Kyra had been listening in to our conversation because she suddenly burst into my room.

Kyra:"They're not human beings anymore Veronica."
Me:"Yes they are, they're just mind controlled by Slendy."
Kyra:"The Fears don't just take your mind. I was a nest, a proxy isn't that much different. The Fears take away your humanity, reduce you to shadow of who you once were. Look what they did to Echo, you know how she was before the Choir started torturing her. Servants are no longer human. The human inside of them, if it's still there, it's suffering. What happened to me and Echo was a freak accident. We can't save the other servants, we can only put them out of their suffering."
Me:"... There must be another way."
Alicia:"There is. Why do you think we're going after the Fears? If we stop the source then maybe the servants will be free. And if not.. then at least the Fears won't be able to make new victims. But until then we'll have to fight through their servants. It sucks but that's just how this fucked up world works."


They have a point. It just feels..wrong. But then again not being in school feels wrong too. I know it's not the same thing but to my parents it might as well have been. And like I said back on my old blog, they've rubbed off on me when it comes to that stuff.

=Veronica=

Resting

I'm glad that EAT has hideouts in Germany too. I wouldn't feel safe sleeping in the car. Mostly because there's an army of pissed off proxies out there. And they know where we are going. It's also good for Veronica's training. Would be weird if I had to spar with her in the middle of wherever we happened to be.

Would be fun explaining that to people who think I'm beating her up. <.<
Even worse, I don't know German. Which is a shame, my mother was part German. I should have asked her to teach me.. Can't change the past I guess.

I'm not sure Veronica is ready for actual combat. But we've given the proxies too much time to prepare already. We can't wait any longer. We need to attack as soon as we arrive. I might need to talk to Veronica first though.

I don't want her to start doubting herself. Doubting yourself can get you killed in our situation.
And she already has a low level of self confidence. She doesn't have the experience I do or the powers Kyra and Echo have. She doesn't have Shine either. But, she's a natural with that rifle and smarter than any of us. If she uses those skills well she'll survive. She only needs to realize that she has them.

So yeah, I'm gonna go talk to her. <x3

Germany

More training. >.<
Alicia says I'm getting better. But for some reason I'm not sure about that. Just because I can spar with her doesn't mean I won't panic in a real fight. I know she's trying to help but maybe I'm just not cut out for this.

I wish I had her confidence. The way she can just walk up and punch proxies in the mask. Or when she kicked that Socky thing out of the window. I've read her previous blogs and some people seem to think she's suicidal. But I think its selfconfidence. It's like she knows she can survive almost anything.


On the other hand..
I don't know how she can just.. kill proxies without thinking about it. Yes I shot three of them myself and said it was frighteningly easy. At that time it was. But now.. I keep seeing that moment in my mind. I took their lives. Here I am with a second life.. of sorts. And I'm taking other people's lives. How is that fair?.. I mean the Fears are something that needs to be stopped, but their servants? They're still just human beings.. Isn't there another way to do this?

There must be.


=Veronica=